99 Possible Everyday Life Problems or Concerns of 2016, solved!
1. You have a bad diet?
Start eating one healthy meal a day.
2. You have friends that are bad influences?
Tell them the truth and say you’re moving on.
3. You’re in a bad relationship?
4. You’re unfit?
Set yourself up with a playlist that just makes you want to ARGHHHHHH, you know?! I never listen to music; I don’t know when people find the time. But if there’s one thing that gets me lifting more or running further, it’s music.
5. You procrastinate too much?
Just start already, nothing is ever that bad once you get going.
6. Your bad friends want to hang out still?
Get a new phone number and don’t give it to them.
7. Your job is boring but you need money?
There are millions of jobs, go find one.
8. You wasted too much time at school and now you have no skills?
Soul search, learn what you find, and never quit. You’ll catch up.
9. You’re single?
10. You’re going through a bad breakup?
Quit crying and join Tinder.
11. You’re in a good relationship and you’re scared you’re going to mess it up?
You’ve probably already messed it up, relax.
12. Your bad friends found your new number and are now questioning your actions?
Find out who they got it from, get a new number and don’t tell it to that person now. It’s a slow process. Pro tip: don’t use your ultimately desired phone number the first time around.
13. Your pet died and you’re sad?
Get a new one, especially if it’s a cat. As Karl Pilkington once said, “There’s no cat, that’s that good where you can say ‘I’m never going to find another one the same!’ Get another one.” Wise words from a natural-born philosopher.
14. Your new cat died?
Reassess whether you should be allowed to have a pet. In fact, get a 3rd party assessment.
15. You drink too much?
Stop drinking. Seriously, this isn’t even a joke. No excuse in the world is good enough.
16. You can’t quit smoking?
My grandma started smoking when she was 14. She quit when she was 70. What’s your excuse? Shut up with your excuses, I hate you. She died of lung cancer, by the way. Stop smoking!
17. You can’t quit drugs?
If someone is holding you down and injecting you with drugs on a daily basis, call 000 and have them arrested. If you’re in America, call 911. I don’t know any other countries’ emergency numbers, sorry. If it’s your brain telling your arm to move your hand to pick up that needle and stick it in your arm, tell your brain to stop. If that doesn’t work (I’m assuming it didn’t), then follow these 8 simple steps…
1) Gather two weeks’ worth of food and everything you need to survive in the desert.
2) Gather two friends, a dog, and a car (dog is optional).
3) Go to the desert.
4) Keep one friend and one dog. Lose one friend and one car.
5) Stay there
7) Get picked up by the lost friend with the lost car
8) Never touch another drug again (alcohol included)
And if you think for a second that I’m speaking from a lack of personal experience… you’d be right. However, I do know someone who did this with heroin and he never touched it again. He’s now in his 60s, great guy.
18. That guy has more money than you?
Go work your ass off and eventually he’ll be saying the same about you.
19. Your bad friends have found your new number again and are now pissed!?
20. Your bad friends won the fight?
21. Life is hard?
Good point, I agree. I might also add that life is unfair. Get on with it.
22. You didn’t have the same opportunity as those people growing up and that’s why you’re poorly educated and have no money?
No, it’s not. If you’re reading this then you have access to the internet. There’s free information everywhere online, go read it. In fact, go read some success stories of kids from Kenya who go on to become millionaires. If you’re in a country like Australia, don’t you dare tell me you didn’t have opportunity! Get some perspective, please.
23. You’ve had a tough life?
Go read about North Korea. Listen to some defectors’ stories and then tell me about your tough life. You couldn’t make that stuff up.
24. You’re from North Korea and you were one of those defectors?
Contact me; I’d love to speak with you.
25. You’re having a midlife crisis
Don’t buy a sports car! Travel instead.
26. You’re having an existential crisis?
Travel. The solution to any crisis in life is to travel.
27. You’re gay and don’t know how to come out?
They’ve probably already got their suspicions. My sister thinks everyone is gay.
28. You’re straight and everyone thinks you’re gay?
Who cares what your male friends think? Perpetuate the myth with women, however. Women love gay men.
29. You perpetuated the myth with women that you’re gay and now don’t know how to leave the friend zone?
You thought that was going to work? What are you, an idiot?
30. You don’t know what to name your new dog?
I always liked Frankie.
31. The economy is in the shitter and you can’t find a job?
Learn a new skill and join a different industry. We’re living in a society here, people! We need goods and services! Find what other people need and give it to them.
32. You want to start a business but you don’t have any money?
Get a job, work on the side and start small. Try and earn money from a hobby that you can turn into a business. Find your niche.
33. You want to start a business but you’re scared?
Don’t do it.
34. Your girlfriend’s parents don’t like you?
Don’t see them.
35. Your girlfriend says you have to see her parents?
Kindly tell her no you don’t.
36. Your girlfriend now wants to break up with you?
Say goodbye and find a girlfriend who doesn’t like her parents.
37. Your new girlfriend tells you she doesn’t want to see your parents?
Break up with her. They’re your parents, have some respect…
38. You’re questioning whether god exists, and if not, what’s the point in all of this?
I can’t answer that. But I will tell you there’s probably as much point to life as there is in this blog post.
39. You’re not sure whether you should get married?
If your partner is much richer than you, try it. If it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce.
40. You’re richer than your potential husband/wife?
Offload some of your assets to a loved family member who definitely has less chance of shafting you than your partner does. Always reduce risk through diversification, you’re not Warren Buffett.
41. You’re gay and you want to get married but it’s not legal yet?
Just buy a couple of rings and tell people you’re married. It’s easier anyway.
42. You’ve started a business but it’s not working?
Get a 3rd party assessment from someone with experience in your industry. If they say end it, end it. If you asked a competitor, you’re an idiot and shouldn’t be in business anyway. End it.
43. You’re not sure whether you’re gay?
What porn do you watch? There’s your answer.
44. You don’t watch porn?
45. Your kids are screaming on the bus?
Always carry candy. Kids will always choose eating candy over screaming—I know I would.
46. Someone else’s kids are screaming on the bus?
Don’t offer them candy, whatever you do! Always carry headphones.
47. You’re thinking of studying something at university?
Unless you definitely want to do it for the rest of your life, it’s probably not worth it. The market is flooded with overrated, over-expensive, useless degrees. The jobs are not there, people! Learn a useful skill online instead.
48. Your friend is moving away and you don’t want them to leave?
Go with them.
49. You don’t want to do homework, you just want to play computer games, watch movies or hang out with friends?
Life is short, do whatever makes you feel good. Just don’t cry later when you don’t know jack-shit.
50. You’ve made it half way through the list and don’t think you can read any more?
You must read the whole list. There are funny moments hidden throughout. Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe. If you enjoyed this list you MUST click the share button (there is no share button).
51. You’re hungover?
Remember this feeling the next time someone hands you a drink, then don’t drink it. You can’t undo what’s already been done. Not in real life, anyway. By the way, don’t fool yourself next time that one equals one. One drink does not equal one drink. In the world of drinking, math becomes bizarre. I’m actually hungover as I’m writing this. It was my birthday, though… My math was on point, yours won’t be.
52. You’re looking to buy a house but they’re too expensive?
It’s a house, they’re meant to be expensive. But no, seriously... I agree and I empathize. Blame these worldwide, artificial, ridiculously low interest rates and loose monetary policy. Our parents’ generation wants to control us by owning all of the assets and “allowing” us to live at home. It’s a conspiracy theory. Think about it, guaranteed rental income. It’s like AirBnB, but better: a more secure income stream without having strangers in the house. Well played, mum and dad.
53. You think the rich are all greedy and their wealth should be shared with society as a whole?
Go build a successful business from nothing and then pitch me this idea.
54. Your neighbours play their music too loud every weekend?
Play yours louder during the week.
55. Some house around the corner from you has too many cars parked in their drive-way/lawn so their 12th and 13th cars are parked on the road, effectively turning a two-laned road into a one-laned road, stopping traffic from flowing freely, so every time you’re coming down the road you have go through this obstacle and stop to give way to oncoming traffic instead of having your own lane on opposite sides of the road?
Or is that just me? If this happens to you, do what I do. Whinge about it every day and just wait for someone else to sort it out.
56. You’re not sure whether you should invest in the stock market?
It’s rigged, don’t do it.
57. You have too many pimples?
If you’re a man, grow a beard. If you’re a woman, wear make-up. If you’re a kid, wait it out.
58. You want to be young again?
No matter how old you are, there’s always someone older who wishes they were your age. Just enjoy the moment.
59. You think that the other politician would have done a better job?
No, they wouldn’t have.
60. You’re thinking about starting a new career?
Do it! You can always go back to your old one.
61. You’re thinking about having kids?
If you’re in a position to give them a good start to life, do it. If not, wait longer.
62. Your partner wants kids, but you don’t?
Are you sure you don’t want to have some kids who lock you into an 18 year plus contract? These days, more like a 30 year contract… Actually, by time kids born now are our age it will most likely be a death sentence to parents (as mentioned before, house prices). Haven’t you heard the experiences that other parents report? “Best thing I’ve ever done”, they say (with bloodshot eyes). Maybe rethink your position.
63. You’ve got a large tax bill coming up?
Go see an accountant. Honestly, if you find the right one, they can do wonders.
64. You don’t get along with someone at work?
There’s always going to be one. What do Mormons and Selena Gomez have in common? They both recommend killing people with kindness. So do, I.
65. You like a girl/guy but they don’t like you back?
You’re going to get this a lot, honestly. Just use the Tinder model in real life. Hit on everything you fancy and whatever bites back take on a date. Learn to live with the 99.9% rejection rate. Just don’t do this at work, please!
66. You just dropped your Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge and broke your screen?
Fix it, sell it, and buy a non-Edge S7. You can pay $400 to learn less.
67. You’re horrified by what’s going on in the world?
Definitely, definitely, definitely stop reading the news. When it comes to world news, ignorance is bliss.
68. Your man just cheated on you but he tells you he loves you?
“Lose that zero and get yourself a hero!” – Every Jerry Springer audience member, ever.
69. You just crashed into another car and you have no insurance?
Unless you crashed into a Ferrari, write it off as an expensive lesson learnt and buy insurance.
70. It was a Ferrari?
71. Seriously? You just crashed into a Ferrari and you have no insurance?
Run and hide. If the police find you just pretend you’re sleeping. They’ll probably think there’s no way you could have just crashed into that Ferrari, you’re sleeping. If you hear the Ferrari owner tell the police officer that it definitely was you and that he saw you, DO NOT break out of character—keep pretending to be asleep (this is a common mistake made while executing this strategy). This will help reinforce the police officer’s view that it definitely could not have been you as you are clearly fast asleep.
72. You just got a speeding fine and you don’t think you were speeding?
You were. We’re all speeding.
73. You’d like to ask a girl out but you don’t know how?
I’ll never forget the most cringe-worthy, SUCCESSFUL, pickup I witnessed one day on the bus on my way to university. What did it teach me? Basically just say whatever you want and if they’re keen it doesn’t really matter what words come out of your mouth.
74. You’re scared that the two main-party candidates for America to choose from are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton?
We all are. When one of them inevitably gets in, just do what all 90+ year olds do every night when they go to sleep: close your eyes and hope you’re still alive in the morning.
75. You’re the smartest, most hard-working employee in your workplace? You’re underappreciated and deserve more money?
76. Google is down?
77. You can’t decide what to have for dinner?
Nor can, I. There are just too many dinners to make decisions for in a year. However, for the sake of giving you an answer… Pasta…
78. Your bills are coming due soon and you don’t have enough money?
Borrow some and start cutting expenditures, now! You’re not a government; you actually need to balance your budget (satire).
79. You just got a new haircut and you don’t like it?
If you’re a man, shave it off and pretend like that was the look you were going for. If you’re a woman, just wear a wig. We honestly won’t be able to tell. You ladies have those hair extension things happening all of the time now, we never know what’s real and what’s fake. Nor do we care.
80. You’re moving to a new country and you don’t speak the language?
Just speak perfect English really loudly, and point a lot. Foreigners love that.
81. Your parents always tell you what to do?
Enjoy it while it lasts. Adulthood isn’t much fun, to be honest.
82. Your parents always tell you what to do and you’re in your mid-to-late 20s?
Grow a pair. Unless your parents subsidise your living, then do anything and everything they say.
83. You think you’re coming down with a cold, but you’re not sure?
Drink warm liquids, wear warm clothes, and start taking cold and flu tablets. Even if you’re not sure, just go crazy.
84. You haven’t hiccupped in years and you’re starting to think it’s weird?
Me too! Contact me.
85. You’re bad with money?
Get good without it.
86. Your friend has erectile dysfunction?
Why are you trying to solve his problems?
87. Your government isn’t doing enough to help your gender/race/age group/sexual orientation group/industry/income level/business/etc.?
Be a strong, independent human being for once and stop relying on the government. You’re not entitled to anything from society! Go get your own shit.
88. You were abducted by aliens and no-one believes you?
Trump’s been saying illegal aliens are a huge problem for years—HUGE! Once he gets that wall up you won’t have to worry about them anymore. And don’t worry—the aliens will pay for it!
89. You’re tired of seeing Donald Trump in the news?
Me too. But don’t worry; it’ll all be over soon… unless he becomes president. Then you’ll have 4, or less, more years of Trump, Trump, TRUMP! You never know, the anti-second amendment people might get him.
90. You’ve had a bad experience with a company like Facebook, Google or PayPal, and you feel like there’s nothing you can do to get back at them?
You’re probably right, getting back at a faceless corporation is impossible. However, you could always find a way to get back at the customer service representative that gave you a bad experience. Always remember to collect their details. If you’re dedicated enough, you can get satisfaction.
91. You don’t want to go to work tomorrow?
Never go back.
92. You’ve just been arrested and you didn’t do it?
Tell the truth and help the police with their investigation.
93. You’ve just been arrested and you did do it?
Lie and pretend to help the police with their investigation.
94. You’ve just been trolled online and you’re so mad right now?
There’s absolutely nothing you can do, and the more you react, the more the troll wins. You cannot beat the troll, he is invincible.
95. You’re addicted to gambling?
Make a bet with someone that you will never gamble again. For every year you don’t gamble, you get a dollar. If you ever gamble again, you have to give them your entire life’s savings. You’ve got very little to gain, but everything to lose. How can it go wrong? If you do decide to do this, do it properly… sign a contract, exchange a small dollar amount, prick your finger with a pin, have a few drops of blood spilled on a card bearing a saint, set the card on fire, take an oath of loyalty to the contract, really set this thing in stone. Otherwise, it just won’t hold up in a court of law.
96. Your teacher never calls on you when you raise your hand?
Stop giving wrong answers.
97. You’ve just lost your job?
Find a new one: a better one. And don’t lose that one!
98. Your parents didn’t encourage you enough as a child?
Did anyone else see Clint Eastwood’s recent comment about our generation? He’s probably right.
99. You’ve got 99 problems and this list ain’t solved one?
It was fun, though… right?